Exam Stress: What to Say & What Not to Say

        🎯 What You'll Learn: The exact phrases that help (and hurt) during exam season — plus practical routines to reduce anxiety and build confidence at home.
    

Why Your Words Matter

Even well-meaning comments like "You'll be fine!" or "Just try your best" can backfire when a child is already anxious. What they need is validation, structure, and calm reassurance — not pressure or dismissal.

This guide gives you specific phrases to use (and avoid) in common exam stress scenarios.

The Golden Rules

        Validate first, solve second. "You're feeling stressed" beats "Don't worry."
Focus on effort, not outcomes. Praise preparation, not predicted grades.
Keep routines predictable. Exams are unpredictable enough.
Model calm. If you're anxious, they'll absorb it.

    

What to Say (and What Not to Say)

Scenario 1: "I'm going to fail everything"

❌ Don't Say	✅ Do Say
"No you're not, you'll be fine!" (Dismisses their feelings)	"You're feeling really overwhelmed right now. That's normal before exams. Let's look at what you've already covered." (Validates + redirects to facts)
"Stop being so dramatic." (Shames the emotion)	"Exams are stressful. What would help you feel more prepared right now?" (Empowers them to take action)

Scenario 2: The Night Before an Exam

❌ Don't Say	✅ Do Say
"You should have started revising earlier." (Too late for that!)	"You've done the work. Tonight, just do a quick review, then get some rest." (Focuses on what's controllable now)
"This exam determines your future." (Creates panic)	"One exam at a time. You've got this. We'll be proud of you for doing your best." (Reduces pressure)

Scenario 3: After a Tough Exam

❌ Don't Say	✅ Do Say
"How did it go? What did you get?" (Immediate pressure)	"It's done now. Let's have lunch, then we can look at the next one." (Moves them forward)
"I'm sure you did fine." (Dismissive if they struggled)	"Some exams feel harder than others. You turned up and tried — that's what counts." (Validates + reframes)

Scenario 4: Comparing to Siblings/Friends

⚠️ Never Say:

"Your brother/sister got an A at your age."
"Your friend is doing better than you."
"Why can't you be more like [name]?"

Why? Comparisons destroy confidence and create resentment. Every student has different strengths, timings, and challenges.

        ✅ Instead, Say:
        "You're making progress compared to where you were 3 months ago."
"Everyone's journey is different. Focus on your own goals."
"I'm proud of how hard you're working."

    

Practical Routines to Reduce Exam Anxiety

1. The Night Before Routine

        What to Do:
        Light review only (20-30 mins max) — no cramming
Pack bag: pens, calculator, water, ID, exam number
Lay out clothes for tomorrow
No phones/screens 1 hour before bed
Calming activity: reading, bath, gentle music
Bed by 10pm (minimum 8 hours sleep)

    

Parent tip: Do the bag check with them. It removes one worry.

2. Morning of the Exam

        What to Do:
        Wake up 90 mins before leaving (no rushing)
Healthy breakfast (protein + carbs, e.g., eggs on toast)
Quick walk or light stretching (reduces cortisol)
Arrive at school 15-20 mins early (but not too early)
Avoid "what did you revise?" conversations with peers

    

What to say before they leave: "You've prepared. Just do your best. We'll celebrate tonight — whatever happens."

3. Between Exams

        What to Do:
        Don't post-mortem the last exam ("What did you put for Q5?")
Do something enjoyable for 1-2 hours (walk, film, game)
Light meal (not too heavy)
Brief review for the next exam (1 hour max)
Early night

    

Red Flags: When to Seek Extra Support

Watch for these signs:

Persistent panic attacks or crying fits
Not sleeping for multiple nights
Refusing to go to school/exams
Physical symptoms: headaches, nausea, chest tightness
Talking about self-harm or feeling hopeless

Action: Contact school, GP, or call YoungMinds (Text YM to 85258). Exams are important, but mental health comes first.

The Calm Toolkit: Quick Strategies

4-7-8 Breathing: Breathe in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8. Repeat 4 times. (Calms the nervous system instantly.)
Grounding Technique: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste.
The "One Exam at a Time" Rule: Write it on a post-it note. Stick it on their wall. No multi-exam panic.
Worry Time: Set aside 15 mins daily for them to vent worries. After that, box it up until tomorrow.
Visualization: Before sleep, imagine walking into the exam calmly, reading the paper, and feeling prepared.

💡 Pro Tip: Practice these before exam season. They're like fire drills — you want them automatic when stress hits.

What About You (The Parent)?

Your anxiety is contagious. If you're pacing, snapping, or constantly asking "Have you revised?", they'll absorb that stress.

        Self-Care for Parents During Exam Season:
        Keep your own routine: exercise, social plans, hobbies
Don't helicopter — give them space to manage
Limit "exam talk" — normal conversation is grounding
Trust the process — you've prepared them, now they need to execute
Have a post-exam treat planned (meal out, cinema, day trip)

    

Quick Reference Card (Print & Keep Handy)

        5 Things to Say More Often:
        "I'm proud of how hard you're working."
"One exam at a time. You've got this."
"It's okay to feel stressed. Let's work through it."
"Whatever happens, we love you and we'll figure it out together."
"You're more than your exam results."

    

5 Things to Stop Saying:

"Don't worry, you'll be fine." (Dismissive)
"This exam will determine your future." (Catastrophic pressure)
"Your friend got an A — why didn't you?" (Comparison)
"You should have revised more." (Blame after the fact)
"Just relax." (Not helpful when they're anxious)

Final Thoughts

Exam stress is normal. Your job isn't to eliminate it (impossible) — it's to help them manage it.

The phrases you use, the routines you protect, and the calm you model make a massive difference. Your child is watching how you react. Show them that exams are important, but they're not everything.

        ✅ Next Steps:
        Print the Quick Reference Card and stick it on your fridge
Practice the Calm Toolkit techniques together this week
Set up the Night Before Routine for their next exam
Check in daily, but don't interrogate

    